I want to offer additional insight into managing yourself in toxic or  confrontational situations.   

Any kind of perceived threat, conflict included, activates our danger-detecting networks and our body initiates a response. We either mobilize into action, freeze/withdrawal/disassociate, or move into an approval seeking, eager-to-please mode.    

All of these are automatic body responses so they act almost completely outside of our conscious control. The problem with this is that it can hijack your sincere attempt at saying what you really want to say in a confrontational situation.  

When the gut-wrenching, anxiety-provoking nature of conflict is felt, it overwhelms you with strong emotions and sensation. But that is the point – your body is working on protecting you against the perceived threat. These sensations become so demanding that you must take action to alleviate these feelings.  

I know I’ve been there and I know I’ve responded plenty of times to these demands – but really, I should have waited!  

And this is where we get ourselves in trouble. When we are driven by a singular sense of discomfort, we literally lose access to thinking (middle prefrontal cortex) part of our brain. So allowing ourselves to feel all the sensations first and than respond, after they’ve dissipated, seems to be the best course of action.  

This brings me to my next point: how do you prepare your body – which is where you feel the sensations – for the experience?   

If you are able to prepare for a stressful event, it’s always a good idea to itemize your list or have a detailed description of what you want to communicate and to rehearse it.  

You should also practice connecting your physical exercises or movements to your cause. What’s important for you to care for and protect in this situation?  For example, when you are taking a walk, with each step you take, tell yourself that you are ‘building a backbone.’ Connect your physical movement to what you care about.   

I remember in my spinning class, the instructor always tied to evoke a reason for a hard ride or a steep hill!  

Whatever your reason is, strengthen it in your body. That way you will have more of ‘you’ on your side!’   

Finally, learn to center yourself at the time of anxiety. When your body is prepared, the words you need come naturally. When you are centered, grounded and calm, you are able to access higher parts of your brain and intellect.  

To summarize: allow yourself to sense more. Pay attention to how you stand, sit and move – to your posture. Connect your physical movement to your cause – remind yourself who and what you love. Cultive the capacity to experience intense sensations without having to immediately react to them – but deliberately respond after they have dissipated.  

What is possible for you?  

Blake, Amanda. (2018) Your body is your brain. Trokay Press.